The Surrender

For more than five years I resisted. I avoided it both actively and passively. I refused to give in when it was the cool thing to do and I remained stubborn even when I had good reason to relent. I've mocked and ridiculed those who caved to that against which I so passionately stood fast.

But now I find my resolve weakened. I feel no pressure to stop resisting; only a strange desire to do so. I haven't discovered some compelling reason to make me I feel I need to swallow my pride and do that which I swore would never happen; I just don't care anymore.

After all, it's just a stupid blog...

With that, I would like to introduce my blog. Here it is. Blog meet reader, reader meet blog.

Hello.

The main reason I am starting to blog is that my mind doesn't stop thinking. It is always analyzing something, always searching for a puzzle to piece together, always looking for a problem to solve. This was great while I was in school (university if any of my non-Americans find themselves reading this) as I could apply my overactive mind to my work; it would analyze paper topics and then figure out how to convey those ideas in written form; it would consider the information gathered in lectures, deciding and absorbing what was relevant (i.e., what would be on the exam), and discarding the rest; and it would analyze the professor and his or her teaching style to determine what was the absolute minimum work necessary to obtain the desired grade. Thus, my hyperactive mind had a full gym with which it could occupy itself.

The completion of my dissertation, however, has left this over thinking mind with no purpose. Nothing to analyze; nothing to reason for or against; nothing but trivial subject matter to digest. This has cause me to over think everything. And I mean everything. Tasks that were simple enough before can now cause analysis paralysis as my mind tries in vain to find some angle or perspective that was previously unthought. I've found that my overactive mind cannot even shut off so that I may sleep. In order to surrender to the unconscious bliss that I love so much I must lay with my eyes open and find some problem to solve. Once my mind becomes engaged in the process of deciding what the most efficient and aesthetically pleasing way to arrange my bedroom furniture I am able to slip off to sleep. It is not having the solution but the process of finding the solution that allows me to escape conciousness. The puzzle is often left unsolved for the next sleepless night.

This is why I am starting this blog. If I must think, I am going to do so outside of my head. Nothing is fully analyzed, nothing is solved, nothing is complete until it leaves the mind and is offered in contribution to a conversation. Thus, this blog will be my conversation. If this conversation is to have only one member (that would be me) it will still serve its purpose. I'm not trying to pursuade people, provoke thought, or even share my thoughts. All I am doing is seeking an outlet for my mind. If others desire to observe what goes on in my head or if they wish to engage in this conversation they are more than welcome.

I guess we'll see where this goes...