The Side Road

Imagine that you are on a journey.

You have a destination and a general idea how to get there and you are energetically striving for your goal.

You come to a fork in the road. You are reasonably sure that both paths will take you to the same destination. One of them seems more straightforward but the other seems to deviate into a beautiful, possibly dangerous, landscape. After considering the risks, you decide to take the more scenic route and set off.

It's gorgeous. You see sights and landscapes that you could never imagine. You are struck by the incredible beauty of the world around you and you experience life in a way you never knew was possible. You feel so alive.

Suddenly, you trip and fall into a pit of quicksand. Within a second your world has changed, going from intense joy and satisfaction to even more intense pain and despair. You briefly wonder if you were so enraptured by the beauty that you missed the warning signs, but your thoughts quickly return to the danger you currently face. You panic. You lash out, grabbing for something, anything to save you, but your struggling only makes things worse and all you succeed in doing is injuring yourself as you sink even deeper.

In an instant you have gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

So you stop struggling. You gather your wits and begin to assess your situation. You see several vines nearby, but know that none of them are strong enough to hold your weight. So you grab several at once and together, they stop your decent.

You head is barely above the surface, but you have avoided the ultimate disaster and are no longer sinking. You are far from where you were when you started your journey. At this point, however, you are no longer thinking about your journey or your destination. Your decision to take the fork in the road haunts you and the beauty you experienced distorts in your memory, turning sour and bitter.

You slowly start to pull yourself out of the pit. Some of the vines break, but you are able to better grip those that hold. As you pull yourself out farther you are able to reach bigger, stronger vines. To an outsider this looks like progress in your journey, as if you are getting closer to your destination, but you know this is not the case. All you are focused on is escaping the pit.

You finally pull yourself out of the pit and collapse on the ground, exhausted. You desperately want to set out on your journey once again and forget the entire side road you chose. You are willing to give up the memories of the beauty if you could only be free from the memories of the misery. But you are unable to continue. You are tired and injured and need to recover. So you force yourself to rest. The same vines that pulled you out of the pit now provide a bed to support and comfort you.

But you cannot stay here forever and as soon as your injuries allow movement you set out on your way. You are not looking for your final destination at this point, merely the road from which you deviated. The progress is slow. Having left both paths the terrain is rough and you are weak, with stiff joints and sore bones from your fall.

After searching long and hard you find the road that leads to your destination. Imagine your relief! You feel as if everything is back to normal, with the addition of a few scars and lessons learned, and you can focus on your journey once again. Everything that happened on the side road, both the great and the horrible, now exists only in your memory. The road you have come to is slightly different than the one you left, but you are also different from when you left it.

And so you set of energetically towards your goal once again.

This is where I am today. The pleasure and the pain I experienced after taking the fork two years ago now exists only in my memory. I am refocused on my destination and striving for my goal.

It feels amazing.

The Lessons of 2009

Here are some of the lessons I've learned in 2009:

-If I am in a period of waiting, wait actively, not passively.

-The negative side effects of high standards and ambition are disappointment and dissatisfaction.

-It is better to make short term sacrifices for long term benefits than the other way around.

-Use pain as motivation to do what is right, not as an excuse to hurt others.

-There are some problems I cannot solve with my mind.

-If you focus on your pain in order to rid yourself of it, you will fail. Instead, focus on relieving the pain of others and your pain will not be as severe.

-You can't always win the game from where you currently are, but you can always work to put yourself in a position from which you can win the game when the opportunity comes.

-The support of family and friends can be incredible and should not be taken lightly.

-Of all the things I seek, wisdom, good judgement, and foresight should be among the most important.

-My relationships with myself and with God are more important that anything else. I must make whatever sacrifices are necessary to maintain these.

2009 Year in Review

2009 was the year of making the best of the of where I was.

2009 started on an extremely low note for me. I had just finished school, couldn't find a job and was trying to recover from a broken heart. I was depressed, lonely and desperately wanted to move on with my life. I applied to almost everything job imaginable, from tutoring positions, to drug counselor, to waiter, to intelligence analyst. I looked for jobs on both sides of the country. Nothing. I even got turned down by a temporary employment agency because I didn't have any recent work experience (as I had been a full time student abroad).

I had a lot of free time alone that I tried to use in a productive way. I read to learn. I tried to write poetry, songs and more prose. I tried to learn how to draw. The best thing I did was volunteer at a thrift store. I found that when I put effort into helping other people and tried to alleviate their pain, I forgot about my pain. That was an important lesson learned.

I was also in a city I did not enjoy and the reason for me being there was no longer a reason. But I tried to make the most of it. I moved to the Tower District, a neighborhood that I saw had community and a slightly urban feel. I enjoyed making friends there and becoming a local.

Then, when the opportunity came, I moved out of Fresno. My sister and brother-in-law offered to let my stay at their's in the Bay Area while I looked for a job. So I lived with them for a few months. After finding a job and saving up, I was able to move into a room in San Francisco where I continue to explore and try to establish myself.

Does the end of 2009 find me in a place I want to be? No, it doesn't. My dreams, standards and ambitions require me to continue seeking the goals that have been set before me. Does the beginning of 2010 find me in a better place than the beginning of 2009? Absolutely. I see 2009 as a steady incline from a low point to an acceptable point.