2009 Year in Review

2009 was the year of making the best of the of where I was.

2009 started on an extremely low note for me. I had just finished school, couldn't find a job and was trying to recover from a broken heart. I was depressed, lonely and desperately wanted to move on with my life. I applied to almost everything job imaginable, from tutoring positions, to drug counselor, to waiter, to intelligence analyst. I looked for jobs on both sides of the country. Nothing. I even got turned down by a temporary employment agency because I didn't have any recent work experience (as I had been a full time student abroad).

I had a lot of free time alone that I tried to use in a productive way. I read to learn. I tried to write poetry, songs and more prose. I tried to learn how to draw. The best thing I did was volunteer at a thrift store. I found that when I put effort into helping other people and tried to alleviate their pain, I forgot about my pain. That was an important lesson learned.

I was also in a city I did not enjoy and the reason for me being there was no longer a reason. But I tried to make the most of it. I moved to the Tower District, a neighborhood that I saw had community and a slightly urban feel. I enjoyed making friends there and becoming a local.

Then, when the opportunity came, I moved out of Fresno. My sister and brother-in-law offered to let my stay at their's in the Bay Area while I looked for a job. So I lived with them for a few months. After finding a job and saving up, I was able to move into a room in San Francisco where I continue to explore and try to establish myself.

Does the end of 2009 find me in a place I want to be? No, it doesn't. My dreams, standards and ambitions require me to continue seeking the goals that have been set before me. Does the beginning of 2010 find me in a better place than the beginning of 2009? Absolutely. I see 2009 as a steady incline from a low point to an acceptable point.

Constructing the Future Me

Gone
All has been undone
Attempts to salvage what's left
Are sacrifices in vain

What now?

Do I seek closure?
Do I seek resolution?
And fall farther into despair?

This is my new normal
This is my new me
This trial will change me
For the better if I choose

The tools are in my hands
What will I construct?

Thoughts and feelings go unseen
Actions will determine outcome
Fits of rage and despair will come
But must not affect my decisions

The framework of my life remains
While the future of my person begins
Who I will be is up to me

Do not seek closure
Do not seek resolution
Seek only my new me

The Long Journey - Part II

Failure is always an option, only when options remain

Knowing, when I started, drive would fail, I cut my ties and burned my bridges
Intentionally putting my pride on the line I made bold claims of what I would accomplish
Fearing shame, my pride pushes me to continue when my will and desire fail

Wiser when I started, knowing my limits would be reached
So I cast off downstream and took the one way road
Knowing minds and direction can be changed on a stairway, I took the escalator

Understanding the end cannot be reached through strength and endurance
Setting in motion events to carry me to my chosen destination

Wiser when I started, the goal will be reached

The Long Journey - Part I

In between
Never ending transition

The finish line is deceiving, an ever-moving mirage
Two steps forward, only one step closer

From a distance the ladder is only one obstacle, up close a series of rungs
Each rung requires several actions: look, reach, grab, pull, repeat
The mountain is the smallest from afar, most daunting from the base, and unknowable from halfway up.

Memories of past comforts and promises of future ones fuel motivation, but run dry frequently
Former wounds produce both drive and drag
Romanticized ideals both inspire and discourage

The measure of success so specific yet vague, making it unrecognizable
Knowing what is desired but not knowing what it looks like
Seeking resolution yet fearing stability and boredom
How can such an elusive goal be met?

The Balance of Trust: is it all in my head?

Note: I originally wrote this post back in November but for some reason didn't ever post it. I just read it again and decided to post it.

I've always had the idea that there exists a balance between trusting God and doing things ourselves. I've thought that if I try to do everything myself then I must not be trusting God. However, if I sit back and trust God to take care of all my needs and troubles, I become apathetic and lazy.

Let me present a current example in my life.

Right now I am unemployed and looking for a job. The balance of trust in this case, if it exists, means balancing my efforts to find a job and my trusting in the Lord . I know that I need to trust God to place me in the job that he wants me to be in and I do trust him to do that. However, with this attitude, I am in danger of sitting on my couch waiting for someone to knock on my door and say, "Hey, I have no idea who you are but God told me to give you this job." It's not gonna happen.

On the other hand, if I fail to trust in God and rely on myself to find a job, I am in danger of getting angry and frustrated at the futility of my own inabilities. I feel that the more effort I put into finding a job the more I am relying on myself and the less I am relying on God. I've also never been a fan of the saying "God helps those who help themselves" because it puts a human controlled condition on what God does.

Thus, I must find a balance between finding a job on my own power and being patient (waiting) for God to provide for me. Perhaps this balance means throwing myself and all my efforts into finding a job, not waiting for God to provide for me, but trust that my efforts will not be in vain. Perhaps it means not getting discouraged when my efforts seem to be in vain but trusting that God has a reason for denying me the results I seek.

On the Attitude of Humility

Honesty with self and rigorous self-evaluation should ultimately lead to humility. When I look at myself honestly I will see all my shortcomings and realize I fall short of any legitimate standard.

Humility seems to be a misunderstood quality. I think many people see humility as the opposite of pride. If pride is thinking I am better than everyone else, then humility must then be viewing myself as worse than everyone else. However, this attitude is not humility, it is self-deprecation; which is just as far from humility as pride.

Being humble means having an accurate perspective of my position in relation to everyone else. It means that I understand that my value is no higher and no lower than any other human being.

Here is the difference between pride, self-deprecation, and humility. If I am complimented on an accomplishment, something that I achieved through effort and/or skill, I can respond in three ways. The prideful response would be to say, 'Yes, I achieved this thing on my own when others would have failed.' The self-deprecating response would be to give credit to something or someone else. I would say 'I got lucky,' or 'it was all [insert name of person or deity].' The humble response would be to say, 'anyone in my exact circumstances would have have been able to do the same.'

I believe my abilities and talents are gifts that have been given to me (by God if you must know). Thus, if I am humble, I will realize that anyone who has been given the same abilities and talents will be able to do what ever I am able to do. If others have failed where I have succeeded, it is merely because they have been given a different combination of abilities and talents than I have. And just as their combination of abilities and talents may have failed to accomplish my task, so might my combination of abilities and talents fail at achieving something they are able to accomplish.

'Now, wait a sec,' you say, 'Aren't you giving credit to your gifts now? And didn't you just say that was self-deprecation?' Credit should be given where credit is due. I am able to do things because of my gifts, but I do things because I choose to. In other words, I can't take credit for the ability to accomplish commendable things, but I can take credit for my decision to use those abilities, just as anyone else who made that choice should take credit.

With humility there is no room for a sense of entitlement. A humble person does not automatically expect anything from anyone else; not respect, not love, not material possessions. A humble person will expect to earn everything he or she receives. If one expects these things from others, they are essentially claiming that they are different from everyone else; that somehow they are special and should receive special treatment. This attitude is far from the attitude of humility; the one that believes I am no better and no worse than anyone else. However, while a humble person does not expect anything from others, he or she is able to accept these things because, again, the humble person realizes that he or she is not above receiving. The humble person is not above or below or better or worse than anyone else. The humble person realizes they are worth the exact same as everyone else that has ever lived.

On Honesty With Self

One of the most damaging sins I can commit against myself is to deceive myself. If I convince myself to think something or believe in something regarding myself that is not congruent with reality, then my perspective regarding anything related to that area will be distorted. For example, if I tell myself that I do not have a problem with something, let's say anger, then I will never see that something as my fault. Every time I become angry, I believe my anger is justified. If my anger is justified, then in my mind, I am then never to blame for my anger. This is not an accurate representation of reality. If I don't see reality clearly, how can I make decisions or take action?

Honesty with self is crucial. As much as it may hurt, I need to be honest with myself even when I am at my lowest, most selfish point. My natural inclination is to lie to myself because I am a fallen, selfish being and I don't want to see myself in that way. So I tell myself that I'm really not that bad; that it could be worse. After all, I could be like that selfish, stupid person over there who only thinks his or her next fast food meal. But if I compare myself to other people to ignore my faults, I'm not being honest with myself.

Honesty with self is vital for accurate self-evaluation.