The Balance of Trust: is it all in my head?

Note: I originally wrote this post back in November but for some reason didn't ever post it. I just read it again and decided to post it.

I've always had the idea that there exists a balance between trusting God and doing things ourselves. I've thought that if I try to do everything myself then I must not be trusting God. However, if I sit back and trust God to take care of all my needs and troubles, I become apathetic and lazy.

Let me present a current example in my life.

Right now I am unemployed and looking for a job. The balance of trust in this case, if it exists, means balancing my efforts to find a job and my trusting in the Lord . I know that I need to trust God to place me in the job that he wants me to be in and I do trust him to do that. However, with this attitude, I am in danger of sitting on my couch waiting for someone to knock on my door and say, "Hey, I have no idea who you are but God told me to give you this job." It's not gonna happen.

On the other hand, if I fail to trust in God and rely on myself to find a job, I am in danger of getting angry and frustrated at the futility of my own inabilities. I feel that the more effort I put into finding a job the more I am relying on myself and the less I am relying on God. I've also never been a fan of the saying "God helps those who help themselves" because it puts a human controlled condition on what God does.

Thus, I must find a balance between finding a job on my own power and being patient (waiting) for God to provide for me. Perhaps this balance means throwing myself and all my efforts into finding a job, not waiting for God to provide for me, but trust that my efforts will not be in vain. Perhaps it means not getting discouraged when my efforts seem to be in vain but trusting that God has a reason for denying me the results I seek.

On the Attitude of Humility

Honesty with self and rigorous self-evaluation should ultimately lead to humility. When I look at myself honestly I will see all my shortcomings and realize I fall short of any legitimate standard.

Humility seems to be a misunderstood quality. I think many people see humility as the opposite of pride. If pride is thinking I am better than everyone else, then humility must then be viewing myself as worse than everyone else. However, this attitude is not humility, it is self-deprecation; which is just as far from humility as pride.

Being humble means having an accurate perspective of my position in relation to everyone else. It means that I understand that my value is no higher and no lower than any other human being.

Here is the difference between pride, self-deprecation, and humility. If I am complimented on an accomplishment, something that I achieved through effort and/or skill, I can respond in three ways. The prideful response would be to say, 'Yes, I achieved this thing on my own when others would have failed.' The self-deprecating response would be to give credit to something or someone else. I would say 'I got lucky,' or 'it was all [insert name of person or deity].' The humble response would be to say, 'anyone in my exact circumstances would have have been able to do the same.'

I believe my abilities and talents are gifts that have been given to me (by God if you must know). Thus, if I am humble, I will realize that anyone who has been given the same abilities and talents will be able to do what ever I am able to do. If others have failed where I have succeeded, it is merely because they have been given a different combination of abilities and talents than I have. And just as their combination of abilities and talents may have failed to accomplish my task, so might my combination of abilities and talents fail at achieving something they are able to accomplish.

'Now, wait a sec,' you say, 'Aren't you giving credit to your gifts now? And didn't you just say that was self-deprecation?' Credit should be given where credit is due. I am able to do things because of my gifts, but I do things because I choose to. In other words, I can't take credit for the ability to accomplish commendable things, but I can take credit for my decision to use those abilities, just as anyone else who made that choice should take credit.

With humility there is no room for a sense of entitlement. A humble person does not automatically expect anything from anyone else; not respect, not love, not material possessions. A humble person will expect to earn everything he or she receives. If one expects these things from others, they are essentially claiming that they are different from everyone else; that somehow they are special and should receive special treatment. This attitude is far from the attitude of humility; the one that believes I am no better and no worse than anyone else. However, while a humble person does not expect anything from others, he or she is able to accept these things because, again, the humble person realizes that he or she is not above receiving. The humble person is not above or below or better or worse than anyone else. The humble person realizes they are worth the exact same as everyone else that has ever lived.

On Honesty With Self

One of the most damaging sins I can commit against myself is to deceive myself. If I convince myself to think something or believe in something regarding myself that is not congruent with reality, then my perspective regarding anything related to that area will be distorted. For example, if I tell myself that I do not have a problem with something, let's say anger, then I will never see that something as my fault. Every time I become angry, I believe my anger is justified. If my anger is justified, then in my mind, I am then never to blame for my anger. This is not an accurate representation of reality. If I don't see reality clearly, how can I make decisions or take action?

Honesty with self is crucial. As much as it may hurt, I need to be honest with myself even when I am at my lowest, most selfish point. My natural inclination is to lie to myself because I am a fallen, selfish being and I don't want to see myself in that way. So I tell myself that I'm really not that bad; that it could be worse. After all, I could be like that selfish, stupid person over there who only thinks his or her next fast food meal. But if I compare myself to other people to ignore my faults, I'm not being honest with myself.

Honesty with self is vital for accurate self-evaluation.

The Dispair of Hope and the Relief of Resignation

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no happily ending and no 'happily ever after.' It's all an illusion; a mirage that we will never reach. It doesn't exist.

At least not in the way we think of it.

If we wait for circumstances to bring us out of our depression, if we wait for events outside of ourselves to cheer us up, if we think to ourselves 'my trial will be over when X happens,' then we will never be satisfied. When we do this we are expecting our trial to be Abraham's trial, where we get back the same thing we were resigned to lose. However, if we expect it back then we really aren't resigned in the first place and we fail the test. Even if our trial is similar in kind to Abraham's and that which we lost is returned to us, it will still never be the same because of the irreversible changes the trial has caused in us.

The only hope we have is to embrace our trial; to desire more tests and to long after greater challenges. We must convince ourselves that life under duress is normal and life any other way is abnormal. We must not seek to 'get through' or 'survive' the trial as this mentality assumes and looks forward to an end. Rather, we must assume life under trial is the way it always will be; yes, even the way it should be.

Waiting for that one event or that one sign that our trial is over, whether it be a job, health, or the end of school, is chasing a pipe dream. It's not coming. Anything that makes us think our trial is over is merely a tease. So stop hoping for relief and learn to legitimately enjoy the trial that life is. It's your only hope.

Are you the victim, the villain, or the hero?

"As fish are caught in a cruel net,
or birds are taken in a snare,
so men are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them."

Ecclesiastes 9:12

Hard times will come and trouble will find us all. It is never a question of whether or not we will go through trials. The question is: how are you going to deal with the trial?

My dad taught me that in every story there are three characters: the victim, the villain, and the hero. In life, he said, we can choose which character we play and our choice becomes apparent during times of trouble.

When the hard times come, those who take the victim role are inwardly focused and paralyzed by such thoughts as "Why did this happen to me?" "It's not my fault," and "When will this tragedy end?" They do nothing and let their surroundings determine the outcome of their situation.

The villain is self-centered but outwardly focused. He or she lashes out at others saying "This is your fault and I'm going to get back at you." He or she desires to cause the same pain that is caused to them, whether real or imagined. Consequently, they hurt other people, many of whom are in no way involved.

Those who have chosen the hero mentality, however, deal with the tragedy in a positive, constructive way. They think, "How can I overcome this?" "How can I learn and grow from this?" and "If others are hurting in the same way that I am, how can I help them?" The hero will take positive action. This is unlike the victim who takes no action and unlike the villain who takes negative action.

As it almost always works out in the stories, the hero will come out on top. However, this mentality must be developed in the small incidents in our lives so that when the big trouble comes we will automatically take the role of the hero. If we take the role of either the victim or the villain we will hurt either ourselves or others or both.

My dad is a wise man.

The Strange Longings of an Ex-Student

As this time of year comes around I am feeling something strange. People around me are scurrying around, trying to finish what they have to do before it's too late. Friends excuse themselves to write papers and study for tests. Facebook statuses bemoan due dates and unfinished assignments. As I see all of this end of the semester activity as an observer and not a participant for the first time, unfamiliar emotions creep into my being.

Could it be withdrawals? Do I actually miss the stress of completing academic assignments?

For the last couple of years I did not particularly enjoy this time of year. I looked forward to the break and usually did not worry too much about my assignments. But as I wrote my papers at the end of the last few semesters I wished that I could be finished. I exhibited all the symptoms of Senioritis and longed for the freedom I believed graduation would grant me.

However, now that I no longer have the deadlines and test dates I find myself almost jealous of those that must still worry about their scholastic activities. I miss writing papers late at night and showing off my raw intelligence by barely studying for what were supposed to be difficult tests.

Perhaps it's because I miss the sense of accomplishment I got from doing well (enough) on all my assignments. Perhaps it's because I miss that sense of purpose. Perhaps it's because I'm still a nerd.

Questions for Kierdegaard

So I've been reading Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling. Kierkegaard argues that to find the greatest good, one needs to look no further than faith and he uses Abraham's test of faith to make his argument.

He argues that Abraham passed the test of faith not because he was willing to sacrifice Isaac, but because he fully intended to kill Isaac and at the same time, fully expected to keep Isaac (not a replacement heir, but Isaac himself).

He did not begrudgingly offer Isaac and thus lose his passion and he did not act like a madman to save Isaac's faith. Instead, he relied on the absurd idea that he could both sacrifice Isaac and still keep him.

My question to Kierkegaard is this: if we are to follow Abraham's example and have faith in the absurd, how can we tell which absurd we are to have faith in? There are many absurd ideas that we could put all our faith in that will not come to be. Granted, if there was something to tell us what absurd idea God wanted us to believe, then it would not take the same amount of faith.

What would happen if we spend our entire lives placing our faith in the absurd that never happens?

Is it because Abraham had faith that he would keep Isaac that he was allowed to keep him or did he just make a lucky guess when he decided to have faith in this absurd?

I haven't finished the book yet, so maybe these questions have yet to be answered.